A Box of 12s

In my closet sits a box of size 12 pants.

All brand new.

With the tags.

They’re circa 2003, so I’m sure they qualify as an antique.

Why are they still there? You ask.

Well, I’ll tell you why… Motivation. At least thats what I thought at the time when I shoved them into a rubbermaid tote and scrawled “SIZE 12 JEANS” on the side of the tote in a black Sharpie. Motivation.

My ass…

I’m at that awkward between-sizes-I-live-in-maternity-jeans-and-yoga-pants phase, even 16 weeks post partum. Why? Because I hate the thought of spending money on new clothes that I don’t plan on wearing for very long. Since, you know, I want to lose weight.

However, this has been my conundrum for the past 10 years. Only it never works the way I want. I always have to buy a size up. I enter the vicious between pants size cycle… Let me break it down for you:

The Between Pants Size Cycle:

I barely fit into jeans.

I cry.

I refuse to put my pants in the dryer, insisting thats why I can’t squeeze my size 22 ass into size 20 pants.

I buy yoga pants.

Yoga pants wear thru in the thighs.

I look at “SIZE 12 JEANS” tote and hope for motivation to knock the oreos out of my hand.

I cry.

I eat the oreo.

Then more oreos….

I look at the “SIZE 12 JEANS’ tote. I vow to fit in them now.

I go to the gym.

I look at the scale. No change.

I look at the “SIZE 12 JEANS” tote, pull one out to discover it could fit on one thigh.

I eat an oreo.

Rinse and repeat…….


I blame the “SIZE 12 JEANS” tote on being both motivational and self esteem crushing. It’s funny how 9 letter and 2 numbers can have such a hold over my mentality.

Someone said to me once:

“Take out a pair of the jeans and hang them on the door”

As a constant reminder. For motivation? To make me feel bad that I’ve had them for 10 years and have never worn them?

For now, they sit on the top shelf of my closet. Gathering dust. In hopes that one day I’ll wear them. Or craft them into a fancy denim moomoo and vest ensemble.



5 thoughts on “A Box of 12s

  1. I know all too well what you’re saying. I put up a picture of myself wearing my “goal” jeans in my home gym as “motivation” but sometimes it just frustrates me. I haven’t been able to fit in to them in at least 3 years…but they’re still hanging in my closet.

  2. Hey, I found your blog today through BabyCenter and having fought the losing war with weigh my entire life too, your posts entertained me thru my lunch break today (CPK pizza w/extra cheese, but hey i’m preggo!).

    I just wanted to say that some years back I lost 60lbs (don’t panic, I’ve found it again) and I hung my “motivation” from the back of my bedroom door to remind me at the start of each day what I was aiming for. It was a black bikini top and some cute board shorts, size 9. I surpassed my goal and eventually my “goal” outfit was baggy on me! Anyway I know you’re thinking “Ok, thanks for NOTHING random stranger…” but just wanted to say that motivational clothes can be amazingly inspiring, but I think you need to shop for something brand new, something you really love and PLAN to wear it someday- not a bin full of 10 year old jeans 😉

    Back to work. Keep up the funny posts lady!

  3. I struggle with self-defeating, vicious cycles like this, too. My advice is to get rid of those jeans! You don’t need anything that makes you cry in your daily line of sight. They are clearly not working anyway. It might be liberating to free yourself from a motivational tool that you have been struggling with for a decade.

    I am not sure what your alternative motivation could be, but something more positive (and rewarding on the shorter term) might be in order. It’s a daily battle, so everyday that you are in control is a win, but it’s hard to appreciate your daily accomplishments when you are not to that size 12. If you wear a 20, get a size 18 and hang it on the door, then replace it with a 16 when you fit into your 18. Eventually, you will get to those 12’s!

  4. Go out and buy two pair of decent jeans. One in a size 22 and one in a size 20. Its better to have motivational goals that you can actually achieve in a shorter period of time. Trying to loose 10 sizes is more unmotivating than trying to loose one;) The good fitting
    size 22 will make you feel special and flant our stuff and when you fit into a size 20 in a few weeks you can have a serious victory dance!! And then you can buy a size 18 if you want too!;) there are lots of affortable nice jeans out there. Break the yoga pants pattern at least one day a week;)

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