The Fat Chick With The Eating Disorder

So I was browsing BBC earlier today, like any other day, and on my birth board a thread stuck out at me.

It was titled:

Eating disorders/teaching healthy attitudes

I hovered my finger for a moment, hesitating to open it. Then I did. I clicked on it.

Flashes came back to me. Memories I don’t like to relive. Things I like to forget. Feelings I don’t like to rehash.

I read thru the few comments there were there, and I could relate. I too suffer(ed) from an eating disorder, however I’m not the typical ‘eating disorder stereotype’.

When someone thinks of an eating disorder and someone with one, automatically they most often think of a size 0 girl who is stick thin. No one thinks of a girl who is almost 100lbs over what is considered a ‘normal’ weight for her height. No one pictures me.

Overeating/compulsive eating/binge eating IS an eating disorder. It falls under the category of EDNOS (Eating Disorder not other wise specified). It’s real.

As far back as I can remember I’ve always been a compulsive/mindless/binge eater. I remember scarfing down a plate at dinner just so I could pile food on it again. I remember sneaking granola bars out of the cupboards, eating them in the living room and hiding the wrappers. I remember not having one bowl of ice cream, but having 2 large servings of ice cream. And wanting more. I remember eating oreos by the handful.

I admittedly did try to purge. Often. But the thought of puking made me sick. So I felt guilty and I ate some more.

Then, once I hit high school, I became very self conscious. I was almost 200lbs, and loved to eat. However I was ashamed. So I didn’t eat at school. I began to develop a fear of eating in public. I ate breakfast before going in, then gorged on food when I came home. That fear of eating out lasting well into my early 20s.

If I was sad, I ate. If I was happy, I ate. If I was mad, I ate. I ate just because it was there. I ate it so that no one would eat it on me. I ate out of guilt. I ate out of shame. I ate just because.

I also tried every diet pill and plan known to man. I took pills with ephedra and washed it down with coffee. I did the low low calorie diet. I did the starvation diet. Cleanses. liquid diets. More pills. If it was out there, I tried it.

All of this flashed thru my brain while reading the posts from other mothers. Other mothers with issues similar to mine in one way or another. So when I thought about posting, I was hesitant, because no one on the post mentioned binge/compulsive eating. So I typed my response and hit submit:

I’m a binge eater/emotional/compulsive eater. I’m 100lbs overweight.

I had gd with my pregnancy and it was a big fat slap in the face. Then failing TWO GTTs post partum was a roundhouse kick to the groin.

It made me reevaluate how I ate and how I want my family to eat. I’m now a vegetarian, DH eats meat. We cook all our own baby food when he did purées. Now since I cook all of the meals, I control all the ingredients.

We do grains & veggies first, then he gets fruit after.

I know he’s only 9 months old and probably has no idea, but for me I needed to get control of myself before it was too late, and he’s overweight because of my poor decisions.

I’m now down 25lbs a d still going! We do walks every day and overall we eat a very well balanced/healthy diet 😉

I’ll admit, writing that made me proud. Proud to accept what I’ve been through, how I struggled, and now how I plan to live a better life and make better choices and be a better role model for my son. It also made me realize how much progress I’ve made. How much stronger I am. I’ve learned better eating habits that I want to pass onto my son. I want my son to be proud of his mom for making more healthy choices, not only for myself, but for our family.


One thought on “The Fat Chick With The Eating Disorder

  1. Hi i was reading a post on bbc in which you commented on, i followed your link here and have read a few of your recent posts. I felt like i was reading my own story down to hiding the stupid wrappers as a kid. I realize i have this eating disorder, but im still losing control when i eat. Im 20 years old, im a single mom who works 3 days a week and goes to college full time the other 4 days. I weigh 200lbs and im miserable. I have no extra time for professional counseling and no funds for something like weight watchers. If you have any spare time to have a conversation over email it would mean so much to me. It sounds like you really underatand what im going through, and any advice or knowledge you have would be great. I dont want my child to experience this because i eat with terrible eating habits. If you have the spare time i will leave my email.

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